


Still Her Little Child

by pandorabox82



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9243263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Bernie brings Serena home in an effort to help her find some rest after she's spent three days by Elinor's side. But all Serena can think about is her little child.





	

"You know, she accused me of treating her like she was a little girl, before everything went to hell?"

Bernie turned her head to look at Serena, taking in the blank cast to her face. Though her eyes were deep, dark, full of sadness, no emotion showed on her face, and that disturbed her deeply. Always, always, she had been able to read Serena's feelings on her face, so that lack of emotion told her just how deep her sorrow ran. "No, I didn't know that."

She scooted her chair closer to Serena, letting go of her hand momentarily to wrap her arm around her partner and draw her closer to her chest. Serena sighed a little before nuzzling her cheek against the soft fabric of Bernie's sweater. A moment later, she turning into her fully, leaving her own chair so that she could climb into Bernie's lap, her arms wrapping around Bernie's body as she buried her face in her chest. "I look at her, lying there, connected to the machines that are keeping her alive, and all I can see is my little child. She's still my little girl," Serena whispered brokenly, the catch in her voice completely undoing Bernie.

"I still see my baby when I look at Charlotte's face," she murmured as she began to stroke Serena's back in small circles. Knowing that no one would be bothering them, she felt free enough to drop a tender kiss to the crown of Serena's head.

"No, it's more than that, Bernie. She's my little child, and I failed to protect her from the world. I failed as a mother. Liberty was right, she was a better mother to her, I was too busy for her, and all I can see right now is her little face, looking up at me in disappointment from her bed after I'd woken her up after another missed school play. She's still my little child, who I never did right by."

Her words were soon swallowed by harsh, quiet, sobs and Bernie rocked them back and forth as she tried not to wince at the painful way Serena's fingers dug into her back, as if she was trying to anchor herself to Bernie, as if Bernie was the only thing in her life that was keeping her afloat. The lies that her partner was believing about herself tore at her heartstrings, and she didn't know if there was anything she could say to drive out those demons. She didn't know if Serena would listen to her voice above the insidious whisper that currently held her ear.

As the sobs petered out, Serena's body grew heavy in her arms, and she knew that her partner had fallen asleep on her. Bernie didn't mind, she knew that Serena needed to rest, as this was her third day without leaving Elinor's side. A part of her wished that she had been able to guide Serena out of the hospital in a half-awake state, since they needed sleep in a real bed, and to shower, and perhaps eat something.

"Ms. Wolfe? Ms. Campbell?"

Bernie turned her head to see Morven standing in the doorway, a nervous smile on her lips. Carefully, so as not to disturb her lover, she raised her forefinger to her lips before beckoning her over to their side. "Yes, Morven?"

"It's the end of my shift, and I wanted to check in on you. Do you need anything?"

The soft words, so full of love and concern, nearly tore through Bernie's defenses, and she shook her head a little. "I wanted to try and get Serena home today, since we both need the familiarity of it, but she fell asleep on me. Quite literally."

"There still might be a way to do that."

"And not have it bandied about the hospital that I carried my girlfriend out to our car?"

Morven nodded earnestly. "We take the service elevator. It might take a little longer, you'd have to carry her a little distance, but we could get that done together. Please?"

Bernie looked down at the woman in her arms and then back at Morven. "Our coats and bags are in our office."

"Give me five minutes."

Morven stood and slipped out into the outer room, and as Bernie watched, she pulled out her mobile and called someone. As she did so, Bernie adjusted how she was holding Serena, grateful that the woman was holding on to her so tightly, even in sleep. "We're going home, darling," she whispered in Serena's ear before nuzzling her nose in her lover's soft hair. Serena groaned a little as she shifted her body, her eyes blinking open.

"I have to stay here. With my little girl."

"I'll watch her tonight, Ms. Campbell," Dom said as he came into the room, holding both their coats. "Isaac's being Isaac, and I don't want to go home. Please, let me do this for you and Bernie." He gave them a fleeting, sad, smile and Bernie nodded as she gently got Serena to stand on her feet. "Here, let me help you, Ms. Campbell."

He thrust Bernie's jacket at her before holding up Serena's coat, gently guiding her arms into the sleeves before smoothing the fabric across her back and then, heedless of who was there, pulling her into a tight hug. "Mister Copeland."

"It's Dom. Bernie calls me Dom, and you're her Serena, so you can call me Dom, too." Serena held herself stiff for a beat before she was sagging a little against him, accepting the embrace. "And if there's anything that I can do for you, either of you, let me know. Carol raised her boy right." He looked over Serena's shoulder to gaze at Bernie, and she nodded, giving him a grateful smile. "And if Morven agrees to spot me early enough in the morning, I can come over and fix breakfast for you."

"I'll be here at five." Bernie smiled at Morven as she shrugged into her coat, buttoning it quickly before slinging their bags over her shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Ms. Wolfe." She nodded a little, knowing that Morven was about to hug her. The embrace was brief, and then she was threading her arm through Serena's as she led them from the room.

Morven rode down to AAU with them, and then they were alone for the rest of the ride. The silence was almost overwhelming, and she fought the urge to keep from filling the air with inane chatter. When they'd almost reached the ground floor, Serena turned to Bernie and hugged her tightly. "Don't take me home. Please?"

"We'll head to my flat. It's a good thing that you've left some clothes there." Serena nodded as she pulled away a little, though she kept their arms linked. Together, they walked out to Bernie's car, and she helped Serena into it before stowing their bags. As she drove, Serena turned up the radio, tuning it to a classical station. The music seemed to wash over them, and yet Bernie still made out her partner's voice, humming along to the melody.

It was pure twisted fate that the next song to play was Barber's _Adagio for Strings_ , and Bernie sucked in a deep breath as she listened to the catch in Serena's throat. Soon, it had turned to a full on sob, and she pulled the car over into the first open drive before throwing the car into park and gathering her up in her arms. "Ch-change it to something, anything, else."

"Yes, darling," she whispered as she blindly reached out and quickly pressed the first preset button, letting out a relieved breath when some nameless pop song filled the air instead. Serena soon calmed once more and the rest of the drive was filled with an uncomfortable silence as Serena stared out the window. Finally, she was pulling into the parking lot of her apartment complex, and the moment she turned the vehicle off, Serena was out and hurrying to the door.

Bernie followed after, their bags over her shoulder, and wrapped her arms around her lover's waist as she unlocked the door. "I just want to sleep the rest of my life away," Serena murmured as she stepped out of her shoes and drifted over to the stairs.

"No, darling. You do not want that." Bernie hung their things up before taking firm hold of her hand and leading her upstairs. Instead of taking her to the bedroom, Bernie led them into the bathroom, and stripped off Serena's clothes, folding them as she went before settling them on the counter. The docility in her lover was another stab to the heart, since it screamed to Bernie that she was far from okay.

Bernie shed her clothes much quicker, and then she was tugging Serena into the shower, turning the water on and letting the cold of it hit her back as she waited for it to warm up. Once it was at a good temperature, she positioned Serena beneath the stream, letting it wash over them as she reached down and grabbed her bottle of shampoo. Pouring a little into her hand, she worked it into Serena's hair, a sad smile curving her lips upwards as her lover rested her forehead against her chest.

"I have to wash my own hair, now, Serena." Her lover pulled away to look at her, nodding a little as she stepped further beneath the water and began to wash out the lather as Bernie made quick work of her own hair. "Please, darling, don't shut me out."

"I'm sorry," Serena whispered brokenly as she wrapped her arms around Bernie's waist and pressed their slick skin together. "I can't stop thinking about her, alone, in that room."

"She's not alone, she has Dom watching over her."

"I know that, in my head. My heart is crying out that I left her, again. That my little girl is waiting for me to arrive and be there for her. My little child…" Bernie could feel the small shake in Serena's shoulders, which told her that she was crying once more.

"Why don't we dry off, and you can tell me about her childhood until you fall asleep?"

"Okay."

Bernie dunked her head beneath the water, hoping that she was getting all the soap out before turning off the faucet and grabbing for one of her large bath sheets, wrapping it around Serena's body before doing the same. Serena stepped out of the shower and made her way over to the door. "Pick out something for me to wear, too!" she called out, letting Serena know that she would be in the bedroom shortly.

A small nod from Serena told her that she had heard her, and Bernie watched until she had disappeared from view before heading over to the sink and dragging a comb through her hair until it was somewhat in order. Dropping the sheet to the floor, Bernie gave her reflection one last, sad, smile before heading to the bedroom.

Serena was in a warm flannel nightgown by the time she got there, curled up on the twin mattress and staring at the door. A fleeting smile burst across her lips at the sight of Bernie, and she made certain to let her hips sway as she went over and picked up the plaid pyjama pants and tugged them on. "I didn't choose a shirt on purpose. I don't want there to be a barrier between our skin when I rest my head on your chest."

"That's perfectly okay," she replied as she stretched out alongside her lover, curving their bodies to fit together on the small bed. Serena snuggled in close, resting her ear in the dip between Bernie's breasts as her hand curled possessively around her hip. "Now, tell me about your little girl."

"She always had a flair for the dramatic. Because she was such a calm baby, they used her in the children's nativity play at our church. And how many mothers get to say that their baby girl was Jesus? Edward thought that I was a bit sacrilegious in my mirth, but it was hilarious, dammit!"

Bernie chuckled as she nodded, dropping a soft kiss to the top of Serena's head. "That explains so much, darling."

"I know. I'll have to show you pictures of the play when we're at the house. We didn't really do church, once I left Edward, because I had to pick up so many shifts to pay for the mortgage on the house, and that was more his thing, anyway. I was just going for the singing."

"Now why does that not surprise me?" she asked softly as she stroked Serena's hair. "You do have a sweet voice, though I wish I would hear it more often."

There was another catch in Serena's breathing as she nuzzled her cheek against Bernie's breasts. "Well, if you spend time with me and Ellie, you'll probably get just that. I've, I've taken to singing to her, hoping that something in her brain can hear my voice and come home. I know, I know exactly what you're going to say, that I'm clinging to false hope, but she's my Elinor."

"I know, darling. And I would never tell you to anything differently than what you're doing now. Trust me." Serena nodded a little, and Bernie tried to ignore the hot splash of tears that spilled onto her chest. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I'm just really tender, Berenice." There was a heavy weight to her words, and Bernie made a soft sound of agreement in the back of her throat. "But thank you, I needed this short time with you. You saw that, and I can't thank you enough."

"Self-care is so important, Serena. And I want you to know that I will always be by your side in this. I, I love you."

A soft sigh tore through Serena's body as she lifted her head and looked into Bernie's eyes. "I love you, too. I just thought that I would be the one to tell you that first. I'm words, your action."

"You need words just now. Maybe it was time I was brave enough to say them." Serena gave her a small nod before puckering her lips a little. Bernie dipped her head down and claimed her lover's lips in a sweet kiss. "I just wish that I was saying them under better circumstances."

"Maybe there are no better circumstances. Maybe we just have to carve out our moments of happiness where we can find them, even in the midst of tragedy. I just wish that my little girl had been able to find this love in her life." She bit off her words as tears flooded her eyes once more.

"Don't give up hope on her just yet. She's a McKinnie, isn't she?" Serena nodded. "And McKinnie women have backbones of steel. Your little child will always have that." She brushed her lips against Serena's once more before gently pressing her head back down to her chest.

"Would you mind terribly if I went to sleep on you? I know you're not tired, but I feel like I've just reached the end of the road."

"I'll watch over you whilst you do, Serena." Her hands moved up and down Serena's back as the woman rubbed her cheek back and forth against her chest. In no time at all, her breathing evened out, and Bernie felt her weight grow heavier on her body as she drifted off to sleep. "She'll always be your little child, Serena. No matter what happens next, she'll always be your baby. Sleep well, my darling, and in the morning, we'll return to her side."

Serena groaned a little in her sleep, her arm closing tightly around Bernie's waist as she adjusted how she was positioned, her soft, even, breaths spreading across Bernie's chest as her slumber deepened. And all Bernie could do was press another kiss to the crown of her lover's head as she thought about the future at hand.


End file.
